Post 1

"Looking for answers in the bottom of the lake....."

Yesterday I sat at a familiar 3 way stop in tears....

I have been driving this road for 20 years or more. You see I had ran an errand after dropping the kids off at school and found myself on this familiar road, however, where I expected a 3 way stop there was now a round about under construction. I am adept at roundabouts. I have no issue with them and they produce no anxiety in me whatsoever, but finding a round about where there previously was not one threw me for a loop. I sat in tears and frustration wondering which way to go and how to navigate this round about in order to get to the other side. I knew if I could get to the other side I could carry on and complete my errands..... or.......I could turn right, and carry on up the mountain road to the lake. With not another vehicle in sight I was afforded the few minutes it took for my brain to come back online and realize how to get to the other side of the roundabout. 

With very little gas and no gas station in site...and with blind faith, or blind stupidity, I'm not sure which, I chose the mountain road. I knew as tears rolled down my face that forcing myself to struggle through errands would not help me at that moment. I had to abandon the days plan, much the same as my executive functioning had abandoned me at that moment.....

This wasn't just a bad morning..this is a regular occurrence in my life with a brain injury. Life with a brain injury is chaos relived on a regular, sometimes daily basis. I always relied on the figureoutable.....I always knew that no matter what happened I was smart enough to figure it out. Having a brain injury takes away that ability to figure it out, no matter what it is. Although I am much better then when I first sustained my injury and these episodes are less frequent they still happen. They are scary, disorienting and demoralizing.

Anything can bring on episodes such as this and with it, days of recovery. This time it was an overnight trip to the Sunshine Coast with my Mister. He knows that the ocean is my happy place. Nothing brings me more peace then large bodies of water. I did not drive. I was the passenger enjoying the scenic route. I sat and relaxed. I lounged in a 2 person jacuzzi soaker tub with my husband, overlooking the ocean. I ate amazing food, and I rested. A lot. 

But that amazing short trip put me into a tailspin for the subsequent 4 days, where in addition to sleeping an average of 15 hours a day, it also gave me severe headaches, confusion, dizziness, and no ability to function except at the most basic of levels. 

So I sat at the lake by myself, completely confused, tears streaming down my face, wondering what was so taxing about any of that? Will it ever get better, and will I ever be able to live a normal life again?

And I was angry, so angry at the fact that every time I try to live, I now know, I must trade the next several days of life. 

I try to make it worth it.